Brace your ears. These Old English insults are far more amusing, sophisticated, and effective than using the usual dork, jackass, and other modern-day burns. And since they are rarely used in everyday conversations, your enemy wouldn’t even know you are dissing them!
Fopdoodle
If you’ve ever encountered an attention seeker, congratulate yourself. Odds are, you’ve just met a “fopdoodle.” The word itself is amusing and is suitable to its very definition. Fopdoodle literally means “insignificant fool,” that one person we’d all love to hate.
This 15th-century term originally referred to those who suffered from excessive vanity. So anytime you meet that office show-off, don’t be upset. They don’t have that much power over you because they’re just a silly little “fopdoodle.”
Gobermouch
A classic “gobermouch” is that nosy neighbor or coworker who follows you around. They ask you a boatload of personal questions. When you think “gobermouch,” think Harriet the Spy. A bit extreme, but it does give you a pretty good idea of who they are. In this case, you should keep the window blinds shut at all times. Another good tactic is a set of headphones and some music. This should keep a “gobermouch” at bay when you go to the mailbox. Be careful because a “gobermouch” may also be a “lickspittle.”
Steeped in ancient folklore, “gobermouch” is an old Irish term for “busybody.” You know, that old Ralph Mouth type, the very person worthy of avoiding.
Bedswerver
If you want true commitment, don’t marry a “bedswerver! – a person of this ilk will break your heart several times over! This old Shakespearean term means “adulterer,” or someone who cheats without recourse. You might be better off single after all. Oh well.
Gollumpus
Hearing the word “gollumpus” automatically makes me think of the tale of Quasimodo. He was the protagonist from the Hugo classic who saved Esmeralda from her fate. Yet, he was misjudged and misunderstood by the townspeople.
On the flip side, if you see someone who is large and keeps bumping into stuff, try to be kind. That person is most likely a “gollumpus” or very clumsy.
Chuffer
Okay, so you’re a bit tipsy and cannot drive, so you call for a ride. You climb in only to find that he just keeps talking, telling one tall tale after another instead of driving. In this case, he’s a “chuffer” and not a chauffeur. Someone who is all talk and no action.
Git
Programmers beware! “Git” is not a modern repository for creating and storing code. Instead, it’s an old term that means the exact opposite of smart. A git is a foolish or worthless person, a twin of the “fopdoodle.” Someone who can really “git” under your skin if you take them too seriously. So please, don’t be such a silly git by letting them “git” under your skin. (You should pardon the pun).
Whiffle-Whaffle
Nothing is more irksome than when you’re doing all of the work, but your “whiffle-whaffle” colleague does nothing. They tend to think they get paid for clowning around on social media while everyone else is carrying their load. These company-time thieves are a drain to those of us who care to get the job done. But which would you have, them or a “scobberlotcher,” someone who dozes on the job?
Pillock
“That’s not what I meant, you pillock!” Mrs. Smith screamed at Mr. Smith, her husband. The two were having an argument over the color of the sky. Mrs. Dolt declared that the sky was blue, but Mr. Dolt, being the typical “snoutband,” felt the need to contradict her by saying it was gray instead.
If you’ve ever dealt with someone who says or does the dumbest things, you’ve most likely encountered a pillock or a stupid, silly person. Kind of sounds a bit like a “fopdoodle,” doesn’t it? Maybe the two go hand-in-hand.
Raggabrash
Do you know anyone who keeps their papers or books strewn all over the floor? Maybe you’ve watched them get flustered trying to find an important document or item. This person is a “raggabrash,” someone who is best described as being both disorganized and a bit out of sorts.
Death’s Head Upon a Mop Stick
Death’s head upon a mop stick is a cruel metaphor for describing someone thin, pale, and sickly-looking. This old English insult is pretty self-explanatory.
Malmsey-nose
This is the worst nightmare, especially if you’re still a teen. No one wants to wake up with a mound of nasty little pimples on their nose. Yuck! It’s never pleasant to wake up with a huge, red “malmsey-nose,” isn’t it?
Zounderkite
Zounderkite is a word that simply means “idiot.” It was an expression used in the Victorian era to describe someone who was stupid or did stupid things. It’s best used to stave off road rage situations, such as someone who tailgates you or cuts you off in traffic. All you need to do is mutter, “What a zounderkite!”
Snollygoster
Think of the famous actor whose road rage pushes legal limits. Or that famous politician whose spotty tax record and history of marital infidelity raises many eyebrows.
A “snollygoster” describes those ratty types who will stop at nothing to break the rules.
Only a narcissist who thinks they’re special would be a snollygoster.
Gnashnab
Do you know that one person who always seems to have a bad day? They constantly complain about themselves and others.
These people are the emcees of their own pity party. Nothing ever goes right for them, and they go around looking for problems that don’t exist. If you want to be happy, surround yourself with positive people instead of “gnashnabs.”
Saddle-Goose
Anyone sensible knows that saddles belong on a horse and not a goose. Therefore, trying to put a saddle on the latter is not only a no-no, but it is just plain foolish. In short, “saddle-goose” is a fancy synonym for fool, just like “fopdoodle.”
Slag
If you’re the kind of guy who values marital fidelity, don’t marry a slag. It’s old British vernacular for a woman who has multiple partners. She could also be a “bedswerver.”
Tosser
Tosser is an old British slang term that refers to someone who masturbates. In some cases, it could merely describe a person who is just plain rude and obnoxious. Period.
Chav
Have you ever encountered a youth who just doesn’t know the dress code any more than they can behave? This describes a “chav” to perfection. A chav is someone whose crudeness defies the rules of polite society. They’re basically harmless, but their loudness may put you off. Noise-cancelling headphones are strongly advised.
Duke of Limbs
A “Duke of Limbs” refers to a person who is tall, awkward, and gangly. They do their best to move gracefully, but sometimes their limbs just get in the way. Have a good heart and cut them some slack, even when they accidentally bump into you or knock something over.
Jelly-Belly
In today’s climate, calling someone a “jelly-belly” is one of the worst Old English insults. A jelly-belly is a person who is considered overweight. This was more acceptable during Victorian times when being a little heavy was a sign of good health and higher status. But diet culture changed this.
Drate-Poke
We all misunderstand each other at times. Occasionally, you will meet that one person whose speech is slurred or indistinct. You may need a translator to better understand a “drate-poke.”
Cumberworld
A “cumberworld” best describes someone who is just another body. They are usually that one person who is busy doing nothing and is a real deadbeat. They are much like a “whiffle-whaffle” because they waste time.
Lickspittle
Any boss or authority figure worth their salt should see right through a “lickspittle.” These goody-goody types will brown-nose their way through excessive flattery toward people in charge. They’re the office snitch who tells the boss about your every move. Think Frank Burns of Mash or Brainy Smurf, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what they’re like.
Smellfungus
If anyone claims to have a nose for sniffing out problems, they could be a real “smellfungus.” These fault-finders will do anything to ruin your fun by finding things wrong with your party or vacation. They’ll carry on with their personal litany of complaints about the food or the people. These fault-finders are true “wet-blankets” that are no fun to have around.
Lubberwort
Lubberwort is best defined as food or drink that impairs your motivation. Excessive sweets and potato chips are two examples of “lubberwort.” If you want to boost your energy levels, avoid a “lubberwort.”
Loiter-Sack
Loiter-sack is a synonym for “cumberworld” because it describes a person who is lazy. Not only is a loiter-sack opposed to hard work, but they appear allergic to it. This is a bit hyperbolic to say, but it does give a better picture of what one really is like.
Scobberlotcher
Match a “scobblerlotcher” with a “loiter-sack,” and you have a perfect couple. In fact, they just might enjoy each other’s company well. A “scobblelotcher” enjoys a permanent vacation while the “loiter-sack” sits around. Maybe there isn’t any difference between the two after all.
Smell-Feast
Beware of that imposing neighbor who smells your simmering pot roast and comes over to dinner unannounced. You sigh as you realize that your uninvited guest didn’t have the courtesy to at least bring their own dish. Maybe next time, you and the family should make dinner reservations elsewhere. Better yet, dummy up and say you didn’t hear them knocking.
Yaldson
This, by far, is one of the worst Old English insults. A “yaldson” is a vulgar term for the son of a prostitute—nothing further at this point.
Snoutband
There’s a new term for “snoutband,” and that’s oppositional conversationalist. And like a bad apple, there’s one in every bunch. Such a person always has to be correct, even when they know they aren’t. But with “snoutbands,” it’s not only facts they argue. You say “Happy Easter” a day in advance, and the “snoutband” says, “Easter isn’t until Sunday.”
